Walls

It has been over a year since I have taken the time to write on here.  That sounds about right; it fits with our life.

I recently took up writing again, more in a private forum called "Microsoft Word" whenever I am feeling off or in need of some therapy.  It helps me to sort out my thoughts.

Going forward, I am committed to writing about real moments.  I always write about real moments but with omissions.  Omissions like, "And then I lost it and started yelling" and "That was right before I realized I forgot to feed Elijah breakfast, four hours ago."

Last night we celebrated Shawn's aunt's 50th birthday at his grandparents' cottage on Lake Michigan.  Again, I embraced the fact that I do not enjoy big group get-togethers, at least not initially.  It was not until I sat down with one or two people (and coffee) that I was able to appreciate the time we were investing into that event.

Following some reflection, I figured out why.

When we enter a room with a lot of people, our walls go up.  These walls are sometimes (perhaps often) healthy and necessary, but I struggle to experience meaningful connection when they are there, either on my part and/or others'.

I enjoyed two conversations last night in which walls came down, and I was able to see real people behind them.  I was able to be real too.

Being real, to me, is not glorifying our faults but accepting them as a fact of life.  It is with this understanding that we can go on to fully embrace grace and experience joy.  Joy is not a way of denial but an appreciation of what's good, co-existing and shining through the darkness we know is there.  Without being vulnerable to the darkness, without letting down those walls, we cannot experience true joy, at least not to its fullest.

I am reminded of this quote:

"The most beautiful people are those who have known defeat, suffering, struggle, and loss, and who have found their way out of the depths.  These people have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness and concern.  Beautiful people do not just happen, they are grown in the face of adversity." -Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

People, to me, are most beautiful when their walls are down.  People are most beautiful when they are brave enough to let others see they are ugly and messy, that they fail to hold things together, that they want to be one person but actually are another, that they do have regrets in life, and those regrets propel them forward.

Yes, I am socially awkward, whatever that really means.  On a "women's night out," I somehow find the one person who has experienced multiple losses and talk with her about that while everyone else drinks and dances.  Something tells me you are awkward too, perhaps in a different way, and that you might become lonely, tired, and/or scared pretending that you're not.  Rest assured, though, that you're OK.  There are many people just like you hiding behind their walls.  And perhaps that's the most terrifying thing of all. That there are people who are just as dishonest, judgmental and selfish as we are.  It almost seems safer to believe we're the only ones, eh?  But that is dangerous.  It is through admission of these things that, for me, leads me into my spirituality, to the truths of love, repentance, forgiveness and grace.  And then all of this is not scary anymore.  In fact, it is life-giving.  God is life-giving.

We have to be real in order to ask for, receive, accept and experience life.  Though I try, I have yet to find another way.

A Christmas Wish Comes True!

So, remember the Christmas letter we wrote when we told you our family was growing?  Only to have it (kind of) be a joke?  For those of you who are reading this but didn't receive the letter, I'll clue you in.  Shawn and I wrote a poem about our year, and in the poem we shared that our family was growing.  A few lines down I explained that we had recently adopted a puppy.  Well, little did I know that our family would actually be expanding just a few weeks after I wrote that letter.  That's right, we have been expecting baby #2 since early January.  He/she is due on October 4, 2012.

We are so excited for Elijah to become a big brother.  He has been so patient and gentle with my friend's baby Samuel, who I cared for on Fridays prior to becoming pregnant.  I expect him to be just as loving towards his new brother or sister.  He already gives my tummy kisses.

This summer we are busy trying to wrap up many projects so we can enjoy being a family of four this fall.  We're working on a house down the road that we're hoping to sell or rent and continuing to plug away at our own house projects.  As I write this, Shawn is grouting our new tile in the back entryway.  He also just bought wood to build our own window boxes and plans to finish the west and possibly east side of the house (replacing the siding with the original-like wood).  By May, we hope to save enough money to get carpet for our family room (we pulled up the old carpet months ago and have been spending our time in the living room instead).  We also hope to open our pool this year, which we did not do last summer in order to save money (and also some sanity - pools are a lot of work!).  We will be opening it so that we can close it with a proper and safe cover; unfortunately, the current cover lends itself to the weight of fallen leaves, and the entire pool turns into a pond each spring.  Interesting for Elijah and the other kids in the neighborhood but very, very unsafe for our non-swimmer(s).  We are looking forward to not worrying about safety (in that way) every time we play in the backyard.  Hopefully our busy summer will afford us a relaxing fall season.  Let me rephrase that: As relaxing as it can be with a newborn and two-year-old boy!

Tomorrow I have my second doctor's appointment and will (hopefully) hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time since February 15, the date of our first ultrasound.  This pregnancy is similar to my pregnancy with Elijah in that I feel extremely moody (I perceive all of Shawn's questions to be annoying and unbearable), tired and depressed.  I feel less sick, though, and have more headaches.  I have been able to eat healthier, sleep more and avoid caffeine (Sorry, Elijah!  I was at a very different place in my life with you).  Admittedly, the excitement and eagerness to tell everyone is a bit less.  I've been here before, so, naturally, it's just not as "new."  That being said, my love for this little baby may actually be a bit more than when I was pregnant with Elijah, given that I now can fathom this little baby becoming a child capable of living outside of me.  That's difficult to fully grasp the first time around.

Please pray for our family in the coming months.  Please pray that the Lord continues to meet our needs and supports the health and growth of our baby.  Please pray that He blesses us with patience, both in this process and the other parts of our lives.  We pray that we continue to see Him in all circumstances.

Thank you for reading and sharing in our joy!

A Balancing Act

Today Elijah, Kipton and I slept in (until almost 8 AM), cooked a yummy breakfast of eggs, pineapple and oatmeal, did some laundry, played inside, and then went on an adventure outside.  Our adventure consisted of walking through a couple feet of snow (Kipton first showing Elijah how it's done!).  Elijah is slowly becoming more comfortable with walking in the snow.  He still hates snow on his mittens and isn't too sure about walking in deep snow by himself.  We then took a sled ride to Elijah's friend's house.  Bennett's mommy had to work on homework and wanted to keep him inside, so we just said hi and went on our way to Aunt Faydra's house.  Aunt Faydra was not home, so Elijah took it upon himself to explore their yard a bit.  They made some trails the other day with some type of sled, so Elijah had lots of fun!  Almost every time we go outdoors, it ends with Elijah crying.  It's hard to figure out if Elijah is just cold or doesn't want to go inside or both!  I don't think he even knows, but he loves to finish off his time outside with some warm milk.

It's hard to believe that Elijah is going to be 18 months old soon!  I'd like to plan something special for that weekend, maybe a visit to a children's museum.  Some recent updates:

• I have taken it upon myself to cut Elijah's hair myself (it gets expensive to have it cut every month, and it's really easy using instructions from online).  
• He takes showers now instead of baths, mostly because the cats own the bathroom with the bathtub.  Elijah is becoming more and more comfortable with the water coming down on him in the shower and likes to stomp around, "push" the shower walls and laugh after the shower is done.
• Elijah's favorite toy is his backhoe.  He also likes his toy drills and hammers.
• Elijah likes his toddler bed but still prefers to sleep with mommy and daddy.  He does a mix of both throughout the night.
• He is starting to make more sounds that sound like words... like "hey," "hi," "yes," and "no."

I title this post as "A Balancing Act" because that is what life has become for me.  I enjoy my job, and I love my husband and son even more.  As I do my best to cook healthy for us, maintain a clean home (this has proven to be the most difficult), provide Elijah with new experiences, continue to grow my relationship with Shawn and others, and meet needs of the people I work with, I sometimes feel like a parched plant with no water in sight.  I continue to re-evaluate priorities, learn and grow as an individual each day and focus on the resources the Lord has given specifically to me.  How can I be the best steward with what He has given me?  And that's all that matters.

Prayer requests

Some things our family/friends need(s) prayer for right now...

1) Homeschooling vs. private school vs. charter school vs. public school.  We haven't ruled any of these out, and this will be a really tough decision for us to make for Elijah.  Only through prayer will we be able to make it.  And yes, we need all the time we can get!

2) A family friend whose daughter moved into college, and the mom and son (brother) are having a really tough time with it.

3) My niece goes back to daycare this week full-time (and my sister-in-law back to work as a teacher).  Please pray for a smooth transition!

4) That the Lord begins to put on my heart topics/questions/ideas for the "alternative service" I'll be leading at our church in a few weeks on addiction and recovery.  And that He gives me courage.

5) For Shawn and me as a couple (and parents).  The last few days have been great, but last week we had a really rough week as a couple.  Please pray that we have/show patience and kindness in our communication with each other and Elijah, humility in our arguments and servant-like attitudes as we go throughout our days together at home.

Thank you for your prayers!

Labor Day Weekend

Yesterday we had a wonderful day at home with a THREE hour nap (Mommy & Elijah) and lots of cooking.  I have to say... there are many neigh-sayers about co-sleeping, but snuggling with Elijah like that has produced some of our most precious memories.  For example, when Elijah wakes up in the morning (which is almost always before me), and I pretend to keep sleeping when I feel him stir.  He sits up and tackles me with a kiss... proceeding to hit me if I don't visibly open my eyes.  And that morning smile... it's sooooo big!  After Elijah wakes me up, we sometimes wake up Daddy (if it's the weekend). Then we let him sleep in and go make breakfast.

While Elijah and I slept yesterday, Daddy worked really hard on the outside of the house with Grandpa Voss.  They worked on the side of the house, replacing wood.  Soon it will be all painted and look nice as new!  We took some pictures too, which maybe we'll add later.  Daddy and Grandpa worked literally ALL day on the house while Mommy and Elijah made zucchini, bread and basil to freeze for the winter.  We all (including Elijah) finished off our day of hard work with a pizza from Petrino's pizza in Holland.  Delicious!

Today we slept in (no church today) and then went out to Sandy Pines for lunch with Nana and Papa Brouwer.  We went for a golf cart ride (Elijah loved to drive with Grandpa), played with toys, went out for ice cream (Elijah loved it for the second time), played at the park and then had dinner with them too.  Elijah went down the slide all by himself today (for the first time).  He wasn't so sure about it while he was going down but opened his mouth very wide with excitement when he got to the bottom!  Off to bed soon for the zoo tomorrow with Grandma and Grandpa Voss.

What a busy weekend for a little boy who wasn't feeling so well.  He's all better!

Pajama Days

Yesterday Elijah came down with stomach flu-like symptoms just a few minutes before Daddy was going to take him to Nana's house.  Thankfully, Nana still allowed him to come over and took extra good care of him.  She went to the store to buy things to help him feel better, like applesauce and bananas.  He seemed to feel okay throughout the day but became sick again on the way home with Daddy :-(

Today Elijah is still sick.  We were hopeful when he slept well, but it was obvious within just a few minutes of waking up that he still wasn't feeling well.  To the sink, then to the bath.  But he was such a trooper.  If it weren't for the things he couldn't control, you wouldn't even know he feels sick. 

Grandma Voss volunteered to watch Elijah tonight to give Mommy a break :-) I didn't think I would need one but took advantage of the offer anyway so I could surprise Shawn with a date night.  We took Shawn's '67 LeMans to Earl's (about 40 minutes south of Holland) and got strawberry shortcake... mmm it was SO yummy (worth the drive)!  Knowing that Elijah was in great hands, we had a lot of fun, and it felt like we were dating again.  No house stress.  No parenting stress.  No work stress.  Just flirting and enjoying a ride in the old car.

We canceled our plans to go to Sandy Pines tomorrow (with my family) and will be spending the day at home.  Just another pajama day for our sick little man... but I like these too.

Happy Birthday, Elijah!

In light of Elijah turning one year old today, I want to begin with a blast to the past.

A year ago today, it was Friday the 13th.  But I'm not superstitious.  And there has been nothing unlucky about this past year.

At this time last year, I was at the beginning of my four months home with Elijah.  A beautiful fall season, full of apple-picking, red and orange mums, many many "nature" walks, and lots of snuggling with my baby boy.  A lot of firsts.  A lot of pictures.  Very little sleep.

Then I began my job at Arbor Circle.  I have experienced nothing more difficult in my life than saying goodbye to Elijah and going to work.  No one will ever understand or be able to empathize with that feeling.  Another mom can come close if she has done it before, but the intensity of the feeling is easy to forget.  It led me to quit my job at Holland Hospital (a second job at the time), which I swore (to them and to myself) I would never do. 

We were tremendously blessed to have many caregivers step forward and volunteer to take care of Elijah for free (though, I considered us to be mutually blessed, as he is such a special boy to take care of!).  First Elijah's grandmas, then my friend, and then our neighbor.  And they have all become such special people in his life.  At work I have hanging in my office a watercolor painting that Elijah made with our neighbor, Faydra, on Valentine's Day while I was working.  It reminds me of all the fun he has with other people when I'm not with him.  He develops important relationships with other caring adults.

While working at Arbor Circle, I prayed and prayed and prayed, begging the Lord for part-time work, and in February of 2011, my prayer was answered in just the way I had hoped it would be.  Shawn was given a full-time job with benefits and a salary sufficient enough for me to work part-time.  I swore I would never quit Arbor Circle after they waited five months for me to begin my job there, but I did.  I was offered a part-time job as a therapist.  No application or interview.

And now I work part-time, two very long days each week, spending the other days home with Elijah... cleaning, cooking and playing.  And my baby is one year old!  Many people have asked, "Didn't (the time) go fast?"  My response tends to be something like... "No, not at all.  It has been quite the year!"  I imagine without the job changes and day-care-finding in this upcoming year, time will go by much faster if I let it.  I'll need to be very intentional about incorporating new experiences into each of our days.  It's new experiences that slow down time.

We were blessed to be able to celebrate Elijah's birthday today with a party with all of his close family, including his Auntie T who "Skyped" in from California.  Here are some pictures from Elijah's birthday party:

The birthday cake I made for Elijah

We had pork bbq, fruit, veggies, cheese/sausage/crackers and turkey wraps (with a raspberry cream cheese spread) with pink lemonade.

Daddy decorated the dining room with balloons and streamers (it's hard to see the streamers, but they are there).

Nana and Papa were the first to arrive!

Mommy made your birthday sign out of paper plates.  Daddy printed and cut-out the letters.

Those were all your presents that people bought or made specially for you, Elijah!

You always go to the window to say goodbye to whoever is leaving, including Mommy when she leaves for work.

Having fun with Grandma Voss, who came to your party after work... still in her work clothes!  She was so eager to see you.

Reaching for your birthday card from Nana.

Running towards Mommy.

What fun presents!

Mmmm... so so good.  You LOVED the birthday cake.  You preferred the sugary fondant over the cake.  About five minutes into the cake-eating time, Daddy asked Mommy, "Do you think we should take it away?"  We did.  You'll get some more next year :-)

After your birthday party, we went to visit your Great Great Grandma Florence Voss.  We had heard she was not feeling well, and we thought who better to cheer her up than the birthday boy?  Well, it seems as though she was waiting for you even though she wasn't responsive to us when we arrived. Less than an hour after we left, she passed away.  Although we will miss her, she was so eager to be with Jesus, and it truly was a joyous day.  She lived to be 96 years old.  I hope that you, too, Elijah will live a long, intentional life.  I pray this was the first of many years ahead of you.  We love you so much and have been unspeakably blessed by you.  Happy Birthday, little man.